By: Martin Merritt, esq.
Past President, Texas Health Lawyers Association
Past Chair, DBA Health Law Section
martin@martinmerritt.com
“Please Tell Me you Didn’t. . . How to Keep Clients Out of the Jailhouse, Poorhouse and Lawyers Out of the Nuthouse” -Blog
As you can tell, I love talking about health law & litigation issues, and general wellbeing, if you have any health law questions or better yet, need to refer a case, just call or drop me an email and I will happily talk.
“Toto, I don’t think we are in Kansas Anymore.” The very first day of law school in the 1980s we were presented with a case, which all first-year law students must master, Laredo Hides Co., Inc. v. H & H Meat Products Co., Inc., 513 S.W.2d 210 (Tex.App– 1974). I think they do it to shock first year students, as in “we are in a whole new universe.” There could be no greater distance separating the need for a “1L” to learn confusing terminology like “requirements” and “outputs” contracts, from the question normal people might ask, “why would anyone give a shit about cow hides when it isn’t 1880 anymore?”
In Texas, where I am now sitting, cowboys used to find cattle roaming in the southern plains. (We have a lot of cows here.) In the early days, cowboys had to drive cattle on the Chisolm trail to Kansas, where the nearest meat processing plant was located. Then, railroads came to Texas and processing was done in Fort Worth and eventually, Laredo, on the Mexico border. This left a whole bunch of cow hides lying around Texas, from which saddles, handbags, and shoes are made. And that’s where the Laredo Hides case came from.
If any of this animal cruelty makes you squeamish, take comfort, even Louis Vuitton has a factory hidden away in Alvarado, Texas (so “suck it” France). Louis Vuitton purses, shoes and luggage are made out of some indestructible fabric that likely fell from outer space, but it isn’t leather.
So, who gives a crap about cow hides? Answer: “Juries, that’s who.” It matters how professionally both the lawyers and the clients present in court. If I am defending a doctor in a medical board hearing or malpractice case where the allegation might be some version of “he did a sloppy job,” or kept “sloppy medical records,” the first thing I do, is look at his shoes. Does he look like a slob? If so, we have to work on that. This isn’t a moral judgment. It is a thing called, “I don’t want to lose.”
Most juries have absolutely nothing better to do in a trial than make fun of the appearance of anybody who walks in the door. (If you were paid $7 a day, you would too.) And a primary issue for the jury to decide often is, “is this person squared away?” I am also made to understand that women are particularly hard on other women, although I am just parroting these words. I understand as much about women, as a horse understands about a Shakespeare. (I care, I just don’t know what to do about it.) But there are some things I do know about.
Things an old lawyer would know (that might keep juries from laughing at your shoes). First, know what a “shoe tree” is. If you want to make lace up or slip-on shoes look like crap, just wear them. The tops will bend out of shape and stay that way, all by themselves.
A shoe tree should be called a “shoe straightener.” Shoe trees are cedar blocks of wood that are shaped like the inside of a shoe. Their purpose is to keep the tops of shoes from getting all bent out of shape and “wavy.” I have shoes that are 20 years old that are as smooth on top as the day I bought them.
I don’t think women’s high-heels have shoe trees. I have never seen a high-heel shoe tree. (Either that, or women have secrets I am not allowed to know. And I am fine with that.)
Use shoe trees immediately when you take your shoes off. It is the moisture and heat that bends shoe leather. If leather dries wrinkled, it stays that way. Once the shoe dries, the shoe tree isn’t needed anymore. You can remove it. So, you only need a couple of shoe trees in your closet, once dry, shoes will stay straight until you wear them again.
Next, know what shoe “edge dressing” is. (The edge is the next thing that will go to hell on a shoe.) The edge of the sole of a shoe is the part that you are trying not to kick into a concrete curb, or into a metal thing sticking out of the ground that wasn’t there the last time you looked (but somehow manage to kick it anyway). Edge dressing is usually brown liquid with a cotton dauber, that paints the edge dark again.
Next, in the succession of things to keep shoes looking new, is cleaning, conditioning and shining. There is a difference between shoes that are meant to be shined, versus cleaned or conditioned. Some leather shoes come “shiny;” those are meant to be “shined.” Others, like suede, are only meant to be cleaned. In the middle, there are the more natural finished shoes, that look like a baseball glove, that are usually only conditioned regularly and maybe touched up with a conditioner mixed with a little color.
There are YouTube videos on all of this, which will teach you how, but “conditioner,” sometimes, this is called “shoe cream,” looks like body lotion and is designed to keep shoes (and purses) from drying out and cracking. When shoes and purses get dried out, they turn an ashy white or gray and look “tired.” You don’t need much of this to work. Sometimes, shoe cream can be mixed with pigment, to add back color that has worn off. (YouTube will tell you how.)
Shoe Wax is used to make shiny shoes look shiny again. Usually, you apply some wax with a bit of water and buff it off to make the shine come back. Repeated applications makes more of a shine.
But, some shoes can be shined like a mirror. If you have a pair of shoes that can hold a shine, and you really want to see your reflection in them, there is a thing called “mirror gloss.” I bought some from a company in France called “Saphir.” (YouTube told me they were the best.) You only use mirror gloss on the toe or heel of a shoe, however. What makes mirror gloss shiny, also would crack, if you put it in the part of the shoe that bends.
Finally, suede should only be cleaned with a wire brush or using special cleaner made for suede (and then, only after you are sure you have watched enough YouTube videos to give it a try.) The most important thing with suede, or other fabric shoes, you must clean the entire shoe in one go, not just a spot. (When staining wood, for example, this is called keeping a “wet edge.”) Otherwise, you will get a water line mark where the wet and dry parts meet, like a water mark on the brim of a golf hat. Use a brush, not a sponge or cloth, to put as little liquid as possible on a sued or cloth shoe.
At any rate, for more on all of this, Watch a few videos on how to do it, and you will be a pro in no time. And juries will have to find something else to laugh about.