This is a topic that has been on my mind for a while, because I see it so much in my health law practice. Sometimes I put partnerships together, and sometimes, they get business “divorced.” And a big reason is today’s topic.
According to Medical News Today, “Emotional Blackmail” can be defined as “using another party’s fear, guilt, or sense of obligation to pressure them to comply with a demand.” Essentially, someone, whether a business partner, a boss, an employee, co-employee, a parent, children, good friends (or maybe someone you just met) expects you to do something you don’t want to do, and there will be consequences (to you or them) if you don’t comply.
Emotional blackmail is a natural phenomenon which requires two people. Much like lighting, which happens because of friction when the wind blows and two clouds rub together. You get people together, there will be friction, there will be flashes, some of it will be emotional blackmail. My point being, you can’t eliminate nature, in fact, you’d have better luck talking to the clouds. But you might just be able to help yourself get out of harms way.
Psychological “splitting.” Psychological “splitting” starts when we are infants. Little versions of humans can’t tell whether our wants and needs are life-threatening. So, just to be safe, infants will go “all out” with temper tantrums.
Psychologists also believe that for a long time, infants can’t tell that the “withholding” parent and the “giving” parent are actually the same person. Hence the “splitting.” The tantrum is designed to make the withholding parent go away, and cause the gratifying parent to come back. You can see where I am going here. You are a saint if you give them what they want, and the devil if you don’t. Emotional blackmailers are often infants that never grew up.
Do you have a “dog problem” or an “owner problem. Some “monsters” are born, and some are created. You first have to figure out if you caused the problem, by giving the emotional blackmailer permission to feel entitled to your help.
In other words, if we had followed you around with a court reporter and a videographer, would we find a point where you gave the emotional blackmailer the idea that they could rely on you to give them money, services, support that you now don’t want to give? If so, you don’t have a dog problem, you have an owner problem.
“Oedipal parenting” behavior. There is a range of possibilities why this would happen, some good and some pathological. On one end of the spectrum, “you are just nice” and therefore a doormat (also pronounced, “target.”) At the extreme other end, you might be a covert narcissist who loves volunteering, then sucking all the air out of the room complaining about being a victim to anyone who will listen.
Somewhere in between is “Oedipal parenting” behavior, where we might tend to infantilize our friends, children or coworkers, to keep them close. Often because we have nothing going on in our own lives. So, we make others weak and dependent on us. Like giving a drunk a drink. It isn’t good for them. But maybe we keep giving, to keep them close and needy. Either way, you’ve got work to do.
What if the problem is you? If you started it, then you can end it, if you want to. Dave Ramsey, the financial guru puts it this way when speaking of cutting off financial resources, “better to feel guilty, than resentful.” But it might take a while to turn the ship around. There might be some anger involved. You might lose friends when you say, “hey, I don’t want to do this anymore.” That’s what infantilizing your relationships will do– turn others into babies. Maybe you can’t go cold turkey, but you can set a deadline for when your help ends. Which takes a lot of courage and resolve, especially if the problem is you.
At the end of the day, only you can decide if you want to continue to allow others’ expectations to become your obligations.
What if the problem is them? Some people are just unfixable. The DSM-5 (a/k/a “The Big Book of Crazy”) classifies some of these people as “Cluster B” (sociopathic, narcissistic, borderline disordered.) I would just call them “parasites,” who don’t care that you don’t want to help them. They feel entitled to your time, money and services. The way to tell, is that they do it to everyone (not just you.) If you have one of those, “run.” You can’t fix them.
What if the problem is both of you? But you don’t have to be a clinical narcissist, nor a co-dependent, to get locked into this type of behavior. There is a book by Ross Rosenberg called The Human Magnet Syndrome, which explains that some people are simply co-dependent “fixers” who are drawn magnetically to narcissistic “takers.” You put a co-dependent and a narcissist in a crowed room, they will find each other. Narcissists just know who you are and vice versa. The same thing seems true for sub-clinical “takers” and “givers.”
The only thing you can do is work on yourself. That is what The Human Magnet Syndrome is all about. How to realize you are worthy of relationships, without giving away unreasonable amounts of resources to others by setting boundaries and enforcing them.