By: Martin Merritt, esq.
Past President, Texas Health Lawyers Association
Past Chair, DBA Health Law Section
“Please Tell Me you Didn’t. . . How to Keep Clients Out of the Jailhouse, Poorhouse and Lawyers Out of the Nuthouse”
As you can tell, I love talking about health law issues, if you have any health law questions or better yet, need to refer a case, just call or drop me an email and I will happily talk.
If you run into an a**hole in the morning, it means you just ran into an a**hole. If you run into an a**hole all day, you’re the a**hole.” – Rayland Givens, Justified
You know, I sometimes wonder if people have needed therapy because they met me once. Lawyers get paid to be a**holes. But in reality, I don’t think many of us want to do it in our spare time. It ruins everybody’s day. And honestly, the things an intelligent lawyer can come up with, might be the stuff of nightmares that can live in a person’s head for weeks.
I am guilty, but I am doing my best, as a public service, to stop being such an a**hole. But, in the off chance there are those of you out there who want to improve you’re a**hole skills, I can certainly teach you how I did it.
Tip 1: Surround yourself with a**holes. Nietzsche said, “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.” This also works with A**holes. These a**holes can be found at work, or in “pity parties” you attend in your spare time. In fact, there is a funny Sigmund Freud meme, “You could be clinically depressed, or you could, in fact, just be surrounded by a**holes.”
I posted the meme on Facebook and got a strike, telling me that “Freud never said that.”
“Of course he didn’t say it!,” I yelled at the screen. “It’s absurd! That’s why it’s funny!” Which leads me to my next tip.
Tip 2: Always expect everything to go as planned. Psychiatrists will tell you that a great deal of what comes out as “angry outbursts,” is actually caused by being surprised. It is related to the primal part of the brain that wires us to yell at others, when there is real danger. . . as in, “tiger,” or “fire.”
So, if you want to be a real jerk, always remain wickedly optimistic that that keys will never get lost, no waiter could ever make a mistake on your order, every legal or medical assistant always gets right what you want them to do every time, and that no other driver on the road will operate in a manner that displeases you. That way you can be surprised, when they turn out to be human, which is the root to being a righteous a**hole.
Tip 3: Always act like people are trying to screw with you. There is a very cool heuristic maxim, called “Hanlon’s Razor.” Which is essentially, “Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by incompetence.”
But, if you want to be an A**hole, always assume people are disappointing you on purpose. I have two wonderful college kids who are “ride or die,” the people who love me best. And they p*ss me off all the time. It doesn’t mean they are doing it on purpose. It’s just what they do. If you want to be a real jerk, don’t take this into account.
Tip 4: Never let anything “go.” There are a number of passages in the Bible about “turning the other cheek,” or “going the extra mile.” The later comes from Roman times when soldiers would make farmers carry their packs at least until the next farm.
The idea here, is that if you get mad at an insult, the other person gets to live in your head rent free. If there is an insult, and you don’t want to feel better, never “let it go.” There is no telling how many peoples’ days you can ruin with this one tip alone. But you must be careful of the final tip.
Tip 5: Never get addicted to “being nice.” Maya Angelou famously said, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Being nice to people is addictive. It releases dopamine. The sneaky “feel good” hormone. In fact, you could get addicted to the dopamine “hit” of just going out for the sole purpose of making everyone you meet feel good. Christ, if you did that, it might cure your depression, your loneliness, your introversion, or self-pity, all sorts of things a**holes love. And then where would you be?
Always remember what Raylon Givens said in the TV show Justified, “if you aren’t running into A**holes all the time, you’re doing it wrong.” (Or correctly, depending on your goal.)